


Has "Audacity" Fucking Updated Yet

by thural



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Christmas, Dinosaurs, Dirty Dancing, Drag, Just the Tip, Metamorphosis, Multi, Parseltongue, Sailor Moon R, Tentacles, ai no kusabi - Freeform, autodidacticism, baywatch - Freeform, butt stuff, d in b action, dark tickle island, dinosaur comics - Freeform, franz kafka - Freeform, gunpla, levi's sulky little cock, penis tennis, pussy, shark attacks, squid - Freeform, the yaois, zookeepers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-11-24
Updated: 2013-12-17
Packaged: 2018-01-02 12:05:31
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 18
Words: 6,548
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1056569
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thural/pseuds/thural
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Erwin, I think I love you," whispered Levi, and then he stopped talking for literally a fucking week. RIDICULOUS.</p><p>This fic updates whenever I check to see if Audacity has updated yet.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Day 1: 11/23/2013

**Author's Note:**

> Taking shit seriously is Shoi's job and she does it very well, so I won't bother.

"Has Audacity fucking updated yet?" Levi grunted, thrusting his hips with feral potency.

"Nnn....nnng... _Levi._ Hang on..." Commander Erwin "Bubbles" Smith moaned in retaliation, arching, straining. He fumbled around on the side table for his phone. The screen lit up his face like a light does. He futzed a bit. "....Nnnng.... no."

Harsh, frustrated, the sound that Levi made. "Fuck me running." He bounced the tiny white ball upon the table surface. It tonked hollowly.

With the ping pong paddle strapped to his incredibly erect dick, Levi swatted the ball over the tiny net. Erwin had gone slightly flaccid at the news and his attempt at a return stroke was consequently floppy and uncoordinated.

"One love." Spake the captain of the Survey Corps.

It was going to be a long dick. Night. A long night.


	2. Day 2: 11/24/2013

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> what even the fuck

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> no really eruri is just military fetish ai no kusabi right
> 
> right???

A dark room, glass on all sides like the aquarium of an enormous monster, lit only by the lights of the city below. Chains rattle. A slender, muscular body trembles; beads of sweat drip down a rigid, stern, heaving abdomen. There is a rock-hard boner involved in this and it bobs menacingly between white thighs.

"P...please..." Breathes the soft, specific voice of Tanagura's strongest. "Ia...rwin..."

Commander Erwin "Showtime" Smith flicks back a long lock of his silky blond wig. Smiling like the semes you see in yaoi OAVs from the 90s, he rests his handsome chin on a white gloved palm, and relaxes against his throne. The grace of Iupiter touches his face with fond light.

"Not yet." He intones. As long as he had Levi the Black, ruthless underground thug, chained and immensely needy before him, he would not lightly relinquish his control.

"Erwin.... y...you fat fucking cart horse..."

Erwin clucks his tongue. Cerulean eyes narrow in delicious disapproval. That's cerulean, right? That color?

"J-just tell me if Audacity has updated yet, a- _ahhhh_...."

Levi's splendid moan prompts him to at last sexfully draw up the holotouchscreen. Swift, educated fingers flip through his bookmarks. A popup informs him that he needs to update his Flash plugin. Ruthless, feckless Erwin closes it without regrets, and so shortly after, wishes he had dealt with it fully, the better to delay unpleasant news.

"...No, Levi."

Broken sobs echo into the velvet, beadazzled night.


	3. Day 3: 11/25/2013

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> originally all that hideous shit in the tags was trollolol only but then audacity didn't update again and we all know what that means

The titan bound in the yard yearned. 

Seabrook's dumb gurning face split wide along the axis of his jaw and from his mouth a hot wind came, moist with breath, vibrating with his wordless groan. Again and again he bit at the air. His massive teeth, square stone plates, the grave markers of inestimably many humans, clacked against each other with a grinding and shuddering that scared even the most seasoned of Hange's squad.

All eyes were fixed on the squad leader, all wide, white-rimmed, horrified, and unwilling, all bound to the grotesque vision before them. A fearsome idol commanded them. Her pale thighs spread wide, leaning back on her hands, her smile as white as Seabrook's and nearly as terrible: Hange exposed herself to its hunger. Truly, exposed: she was naked from the waist down and the swollen apricot folds of her labia hung gently open, her warm cunt pointed at the beast like an ion cannon. She was just out of reach, just out of reach of its teeth, just out of reach of the brush of its lips. It would have to learn how to do something different.

That was the experiment.

Would Seabrook learn to stick out his tongue? Could titans be teased with tastes and not bites? Did they notice anything about the genital parts of flesh, which they themselves lacked? Many questions. Hange had many, many questions, so many questions her heart burst in her chest to think of how close she was to answering them. Her fingers crunched the courtyard soil in eagerness. Her gaze, gilded with excitement, silently urged Seabrook on. She shivered. On a parapet, in the background, Moblit fainted.

Seabrook groaned again. The pink slab of his tongue extruded from his mouth and Hange almost sang to see it. She burned! Every muscle tense in her legs, she spread herself urgently wider. Closer crept the tongue, quivering, slick with spittle. Closer...

"Come on!" She shouted. "You can do it, Seabrook!!!!"

Titan-heat, unnaturally viscous titan spit, these things communicated themselves to her intimate flesh in an instant of absolute scientific ecstacy. Overjoyed, Hange fell backwards, giggling and aroused, a flush on her high cheeks, in the anticipation of knowledge, profound theory, and orgasm.

Captain Levi strode in from the stables carrying the gunpla on which he had been working all morning. It was an SD Musha BB167 Kijindaishougun Siryuhou special edition, at once kawaii and gracile in its extension and he was very careful to support its wings as he crossed to the castle. 

A thought occurred to him. Something out of place here. A nagging incorrectness. 

"....Hange." 

" _Ahhhhhuhnnng_!"

Unperturbed, he turned his serious attention to her in full.

"Has Audacity updated yet."

" _Nnnnngnnghhhh_ oooh."

"Is that a 'no' no or just a groan. Speak up."

"Ah Levi it's... it's!!!"

"Tch."

From the gathered ranks of horrified voyeurs a single voice cried out. "Captain, it hasn't!"

"Are you sure."

"I just checked like an hour ago."

Wordless, frowning, an invisible cloud of frustration gathering about him like a stormcloud, except full of frustration instead of rain, which might be precipitated by nearly anything, Levi stormed away.

High above, Commander Erwin "Teabag" Smith grinned creepily out his window in anticipation of another one of Levi's famous "gunpla jobs."


	4. Day 4: 11/26/2013

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _sempai noticed me_
> 
> i was gonna do a dirty dancing homage yesterday but then someone said something about hange/titans. anyway this got longer than intended and there were less penises in it than i would have liked. needs more penises. big sea of dicks. note to self: dicksea.

_At Kellllerman's, the friendships last long aaaaaaaaaaaaaas the mountains staaaaaaaaaaaand~_

With all the pomp, music, and well-watered cocktails the guests had come to expect, summer was ending at Kellerman's: the finest seasonal resort in the northeastern mountain chain that is somehow close to the walls and still mountainous. These things happen. Nothing of this closing ceremony mattered to Commander Erwin "Baby" Smith. It wasn't just that the summer was ending. It felt like his _whole life_ was ending. The green mountainsides would fade into the distance along with all the memories of how much he'd grown, and with _whom_. He'd go back to being just _Baby_ , his parents' beloved, but ultimately powerless, child. He just kept his mouth shut, stayed in his corner, and fiddled with his crisp white petticoats while trying to avoid looking conspicuously bored.

Egon Smith smiled with genuine warmth (and not a little irony) as his charming, dark-haired eldest son, Nile, took the stage to sing Pineapple Princess. Erwin's mother probably has a name but most people were probably rereading the smutty bits when it was given so they won't miss it here. Anyway she clapped politely too. Everyone clapped. All of this stupid clapping! None of it mattered, Erwin thought, unconsciously adjusting the gardenia corsage clipped to his soft hair. 

Nobody paid any attention to the lean, compact dance instructor making his way past the ballroom windows. _Ex-_ dance instructor. He had a thuggish, downmarket look at odds with the bougie appurtenances of this gala: white tee, tight jeans, black leather jacket, scornful expression. As he came to the door a couple of doormen tried to give him the runaround but he just blew past them to punch a hole in the door and open it from the other side. The door wasn't locked or anything, that was just how he did things. He had a point to prove. And a bored date to rescue.

Levi Castle burst onto the scene like a wrecking ball. Heads turned. People gasped theatrically. He strode up to the Smith's table like he fucking owned the place.

"Hey," He said, not unkindly. Just assertively. Erwin looked up and a wild hope overtook his expression. Egon looked like someone was tickling his balls but it was a surprise so he wasn't sure whether to be happy about it or like, try to get away. Nile looked like someone stole his cupcake.

Levi held out his hand. "Nobody puts Baby in a corner."

 _He came back for me_. Erwin hardly dared to think it even to himself. He wasn't going to let Levi go. Not ever again. Folding his fucking massive paw around Levi's delicate little man hand, he rose gracefully to his feet. In the distance, the band struck up a song. Laughing, joyful music for dancing feet. And they would dance, Levi  & Baby. For now. Forever.

_Oh~h I.... had... the time of my liiiiife..._

Erwin breathed in sumptuous gratitude as Levi took him in his arms. Gazing lovingly down upon his instructor, his partner, _his Levi_ , he whispered, "Levi.... has..."

A little sadness stole into Levi's proud dark eyes. "Has Audacity updated yet -- is that what you're gonna ask, Baby."

_And I neeeeeeeever felt this way before..._

Silently, with a soft nuzzling kiss against the crook of his jaw, Erwin urged him to answer. The universe was all soft light and gauze, beautiful beyond measure. They could do anything together, just.... please, Levi, just say the words...

"...It hasn't."

A record needle slid off the platter. 

"And I'm pregnant."

Someone put the record needle back on the platter so it could slide off again.


	5. Day 5: 11/27/2013

  


Audacity updated.   



	6. Day 1: 11/28/2013

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> what are you doing here. go enjoy the [white flower translations upload of A Choice With No Regrets chp 1](http://whiteflowertranslations.tumblr.com/read/snk-a-choice-with-no-regrets-chapter-1#1).

Happy Thanksgiving


	7. Day 2: 11/29/2013

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> apologies to silver. she knows why.
> 
> btw i saw a couple requests for a madoka parody but i couldn't come up with anything past levi unzipping erwin's pants and erwin's dick has long silky white and pink ears and it whispers _contract?_ to levi. so there you go, that's the joke. [i'm not even the only one to think of it.](http://lurk-stiltzkin.tumblr.com/post/68381704390/sketchavember-28-puella-magi-levi)

TEEN SINA WEEKLY catches up with the heroes of the hour, the master titan blasters who head the Survey Corps! Dreamboat Captain Levi Nolastname is 5'3" of pure boy joy, and the handsome Commander Erwin "Boom Boom" Smith is the man your mother warned you about - every dashing, all-natural blond inch of him! We caught up with these two at the biggest red-carpet affair of the year, the Joint Defense Forces Semiannual Budgetary Conference, where the bottles (of ink) don't stop popping and tempers flare like the cuffs of the Commander's dress whites. Our reporter, Dink Hoffkins, managed to score an EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW!!!

**DINK:** Hi guys! Dink Hoffkins with TEEN SINA WEEKLY, if you don't mind I'd like to ask you a few questions!

**CAPTAIN LEVI:** (snorts an entire lungful of air very slowly, like this: SNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNRRRK)  
 **BOOM BOOM:** Sure, Dink. A pleasure!

(Dink writes: HE SHOOK MY HAND!)

**DINK:** Awesome! Let's get down to it then. So.... just a warmup.... What's your favorite season, and why?

**BOOM BOOM:** Spring. The days get longer; flowers fill the streets; everything renews itself. It's just beautiful to me.  
 **CAPTAIN LEVI:** _NNNNNNNNNNRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRKKKKKKKKKKKK_

**DINK:** Radical! Ok, here's a dangerous question, ha ha! Which one of you is the guy in charge?

**BOOM BOOM:** Well, I'm the Commander of the Survey Corps, but...  
 **CAPTAIN LEVI:** _KKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKRRRNNNNNKKKKKKKKK_  
 **BOOM BOOM:** Hah! Well, Levi has his own ideas, as you can see.

**DINK:** Wowies! I can totally see that. So who has the bigger dick?

**CAPTAIN LEVI:** _KKKKNNNNNNSSSSNNNNjbk?_  
 **BOOM BOOM:** Well, Dink...  
 **CAPTAIN LEVI:** (coughing)  
 **BOOM BOOM:** Kind of a personal question, Dink, but Levi's a surprising guy in a lot of ways and...  
 **CAPTAIN LEVI:** (wheezes) Shut the fuck up. Who are you even trying to fool. Your thing's massive.  
 **BOOM BOOM:** ...Oh come on, Levi. It's not a fair comparison. You don't bring your Ferrari to the demolition derby and talk about how it happens to be so much smaller than The Volcanic Gruntinator.

**DINK:** (wheezes)

**BOOM BOOM:** What you've got is a gentleman's equipage, and I have a thing that I have to license for terraforming annually. To be blunt, Dink, I don't know how he gets it all in there. I'm not even allowed into the palace without a grommet and reinforced steel undies. The last time I saw cleavage in there I caused a hundred thousand guilder in property damage and they're still repairing the breach in the outer wall. When Levi gets a hard-on it's like a delicious shrimp cocktail. When I get erect it's like someone threw a blue whale through a trouser leg. Anyway if you'll excuse us, we've got to get to the conference!

**CAPTAIN LEVI:** Oi, Dink. Oi. (kicks) Has Audacity updated yet?

**DINK:** (helpless gasping)

**CAPTAIN LEVI:** Fucking useless.


	8. Day 5: 12/2/2013

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ayyyyyy sorry for the gap guys i got mobbed irl with some stuff but hey speaking of irl mobs _you **YES YOU**_ can be an irl mob for goodness.
> 
> the Lanark Animal Welfare Society (LAWS) is a seme-finalist contestant in the Aviva Community Fund contest. your cost-free, guilt-free, free-free, free!-iwatobi-swim-club vote can help to ensure that the lives of some cuddly fuckin' kitties and puppies are a lot safer and happier. [please check it out, register, and vote every day between now and December 11 for LAWS!](http://www.avivacommunityfund.org/ideas/acf17584)

"Erwin, show me your pussy."

"...L-Levi..."

"I wanna see it." A scornful boot stamped firmly upon the chaise lounge where Commander Erwin "Two Times" Smith draped plangently. Erwin trembled, his full, pink lips quivering at the forcefulness of the tiny tyrant who leaned somewhat but not entirely over him.

"...I....it's a mess though!"

"Like I don't already know how sloppy it is."

"I thought you only liked cock!"

"I _also_ like cock." Captain Levi hissed. He loomed menacingly over Erwin the way a bucket of water held by a nasty little boy looms over a sandcastle built by a wuss. "Show me."

Erwin blushed profoundly. Reaching into the silky, scented folds of his jacket, he withdrew a tiny brown tabby with immense green eyes. Smutty with flea dirt, its fur matted, its paws damp still and muddy, its spirit was nevertheless undiminished and it met Levi's well-eyelinered gaze evenly. It looked ridiculous dangling from Erwin's gigantic mitt and yet one arrived instantly at the conclusion that it was, by the effect of its cuteness, piloting the commander around like he was an EVA unit. Levi tentatively poked out a finger to rub between its eyes; for this feat he was rewarded with a surpassingly tiny _mew_.

"It needs a bath." He complained, also, now, blushing.

"I don't say anything about your dirty old cock." Erwin muttered darkly.

"I keep my cock scrupulously clean," replied Levi, with the sort of meticulous, even pedantic dryness that suggested Erwin was not so much baiting him as boring him. "Like you'd let me put her in your bed if she wasn't."

From the bed behind the chaise there came a muted, contented clucking. Cock knew when she was being spoken about. Erwin cuddled the kitten against his shoulder and got a great many claws in his collarbone as a result, followed by equally many thunderous purrs.

"Have you decided on a name for it?"

"I thought I'd call _her_ Quim."

"Funny name."

"I found it in an old book," Erwin said.

"Where did you find her?"

"Out in the alleyway. I was looking for the newest chapter of Audacity."

All of a sudden Levi looked very sad. Erwin, who understood intimately, left him alone to play with his ~~cock~~   **WIENER**.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [here is a pictorial representation of today's chapter](http://24.media.tumblr.com/d574335ecfcf3f2d3b5aabbafc9939ae/tumblr_mx7b31obcj1rq4uvro1_500.jpg).


	9. Day 7: 12/4/2013

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ...sempai hustling kouhai when kouhai is still all hungover tsk heartless...

One morning Commander Erwin "Tarnation" Smith awoke from uneasy dreams to find he had become a yaoi. He lifted his massive hamhock fist to his face; it was twice the size of his head and provoked in his intestines the sharp disordered awareness of mutation. Mentally inspecting the gap between his new body and the normal body, dictated to be worthy of love, which he formerly inhabited, his meter of abs rippled waspishly.

Hange was the first to discover him in this state. Shrieking with glee, she flung herself upon the cushions and sent up a plume of downy feathers and sourceless body moisture from Erwin's bedding. " _Plot twist_!" She gripped his itty bitty head. " _Danchou is a titan shifter!_ My _experiments...._ " She was not thinking of experiments. She was thinking of Seabrook. Erwin made indifferent noises in a voice an octave deeper and several degrees huskier than the one in which he had spoken only the day before.

* * *

When Levi at last entered his chamber it was with an uncommon feline shyness; diffident, he angled his runty face away from the spectacle on the sheets, and stepped delicately towards the windows.

 _Levi, don't look at me,_ cried Erwin's heart in a perfume of sickening dread. Yet the smooth-ass rumbling that passed his lips formed the shape of the words: "You want it too, heichou. To be my love prisoner."

When Levi turned at last Erwin perceived that his second-in-command's face bore the furious red signs of a blushy wushy. Yet this was not the last indignity visited upon him, as in the corners of his dark eyes - eyes abruptly and unnaturally wide - there clustered a shining moisture which, when it finally overset its margins and fell, distinctly _sparkled._

"Iyann~," He replied in a flat monotone thick with disgust. "Danchou, we mustn't....♥"

Erwin's tongue thickened in his mouth with horror. And before he could say anything, Levi approached him, draped himself over him, lean and ferally beautiful, and from him wafted boner-quickening uke pheremones. 

"I just randomly say tsundere bullshit now, nyan." Spoke Levi, and his fingers trembled faintly as he unfastened Erwin's belt, button, pants zipper. (Erwin's banana-patterned pajamas had a belt and zippers.) Erwin's nipples quivered as Levi drew down his Superman Underoos.

Silence terrible as the night reigned as Levi stared down with singular focus.

As last it was too much. Erwin anxiously gripped his love prisoner's knees. And this by itself prompted from Levi the thin whisper: "...It's the same size..."

His butthole slickened and the scent of strawberries filled the room.


	10. Day 8: 12/5/2013

His calm, dry, strong hands swept over the smooth curve of Levi's ass. Propped up on the pillows like this, with Levi sprawled ass-backwards over him and his knees spread wide around Erwin's powerful torso, he had a sumptuous view of Levi's intimacies and obscenities. Above him Levi lay prone, relaxed, heavy and hot with the late afternoon sun spread over his bare back. Idly he wound his clever fingers around Erwin's cock or played with the inner curves of his thighs.

There was a rustling of paper, a page flipping. "What?" Grumbled Levi. 

"...Butt stuff," Erwin reiterated patiently. "Nobody's born an expert in it." Patient fingers tucked around Levi's buttocks and plied carefully, spreading him, exposing him. Then he looked back at the manual.

Levi's flush, dusky hole had the pucker of a fig's belly and it tightened with delicious automatic pleasure when Erwin nudged the flat of his thumb against it. In this section of Ass: A Guidebook For Lovers there was ass-finder for types of assholes and Erwin was attempting to find the category of the one which dangled above him. The rise of the buttocks: so, muscular and firm, youthfully taut. The orientation of the hole, not perfectly round as one might expect but slightly oblate, and its position versus the coccyx and the perineum - on Levi this entire band of skin spanned a continuous, surprisingly beautiful gradient from the pale clear cream at his back to a deepening rose; lightly touched with dark, fine, nearly-straight hairs. As he stroked it Levi groaned gently and cupped Erwin's balls. Page 176, not 17A, the Winky; not 17B, the Grundle; not 18... no, here it was, 18A. The Harbinger. Harbinger of what?

"What are you laughing at," quoth Levi, sounding annoyed.

"Nothing." 

Levi's balls nestled just so, revealing a delicate skin-translucence in the light, and they were as ripe and red-violet as a plum. Erwin's touch grazed them with the same adherence, the same thoughtful, deliberate sensuality, with which one strokes the petals of a flower. This was just a prelude, though Levi subtly spread himself, boneless and sweet. Erwin reached over and flipped ahead a few more pages to the section on internal anatomy.

Oiling his finger, he slid it across the little hole again and allowed himself to be a little enchanted by the reaction. But moreso when the tip tucked into the hot, narrow clutch, and pushed, slowly but firmly, inside. Levi buried his groan in the top of Erwin's thigh; his knees dug into the sheets and his grip bit into Erwin's knee with a not-unpleasant ferocity. Erwin searched him, internally; stroking sensitive, unseen membranes with a cautious touch, a thorough touch. As he adjusted angle and position his hard knuckle bucked against Levi's ass and pinned him in a posture of exposed arousal. A second finger joined the first - even Erwin's hands were huge and this was magnificently filling, and Levi almost helplessly bit at and kissed his lover's limbs. His back arched profoundly, unconsciously.

"Levi," came a soft call, full of wonder. It was so tender and bewitched that Levi nearly hauled himself up to turn around but quite unexpectedly Erwin clamped a hand over his ass and held him down. The fingers inside him buried deep and swept in a low curve that struck a part of Levi and sent all sensation into sunlit ice, and he shoved himself back against Erwin's hand, only to find that this made Erwin withdraw entirely.

"Levi, I found ...." He seemed to hesitate on it for reasons of more than just simple inability to find the right words. The right words existed but in this spun golden afternoon haze he felt too gentle to say them, and yet... "Levi, there was something - inside."

"....Are you fucking with me."

He did get up and turn around then, all his warm, spreading, sexual good humor evaporating. Erwin held a damp white wad between two glistening fingers.

Quite suddenly Levi flushed red. Erwin saw and raised a brow.

"Give me that." Levi hissed, reaching for it.

"...Ah ah." Erwin replied, and held it easily out of his strike range. It looked for all the world like a folded-up bit of paper and Erwin, with a natural curiosity that outstripped his natural good manners, could not at this point help but open it up.

_Dear Ass Santa:_  
 _Has "Audacity" fucking updated yet._  
 _Love, Levi_

Was written on it in blue ink. Levi's small, tidy handwriting.


	11. Day 9: 12/6/2013

* * *

taking prompts. not because i'm out of ideas but because the ideas i have are  
even more fucked up than usual. comment here with your trashy stuff because  
why should zelshin have all the fun.

any pairing is fine, but i do not guarantee accuracy of characterization or,  
you know, anyone's sanity. eruri is default if no other pairing is specified. kinks,  
crossovers, and period pieces will depend on how well i know the kink or the  
other show/book/whatever or the time and place. 

not first-come first-served. not every prompt will be utilized. no promises  
about length (HEH.) don't worry about weird shit. if your prompt is skipped it's  
because i couldn't think of anything funny enough, not b/c i hate you.


	12. Day 11: 12/8/2013

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> prompts the first. uhhhh _hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh_  
>  you can just assume liberties will be taken, yall.
> 
>  **OH HEY BUT** there was a prompt that looked really funny but which i don't know quite enough about to fulfill:
> 
> Loveless AU
> 
> Levi still has his ears despite being 12? 25? 34? 40? No one can really tell or asks him anymore tbh.  
> Erwin is supposedly old as balls, and understandably does not have his cat ears anymore. He's actually 19.  
> Their real name is "Old Men Yaoi."  
> Erwin asks Levi to be his sacrifice to help solve the deepest of Shingeki Mysteries: Has Audacity updated yet?
> 
>  _if you fill this prompt_ , here or in another forum of some kind (journal, tumblr, w/e) (and don't be cheap about it, this is for someone called "E. Smith" and i'm guessing the person is a hardass,) let me know somehow and i'll give you your choice of 30 dreamwidth points, an AO3 invite, or a picture of my collection of work binders with snk pics in the covers that i legitimately take to real grownup meetings in order to offend the actual adults in the room.

A burst, a hiss; the anchor of a gear wire plunges into the sand of a sunny beach. The romantically sculpted body of Jean Kirschsjdhfusiuhtein follows in all its oiled, pristine glory. He is wearing his 3D maneuver gear and harness, sunglasses, and a red bikini-brief swimsuit. At his sides: two life preservers full of sword blades. He grins for absolutely no identifiable reason before jogging handsomely along the shoreline. "Thank You For Being A Friend" plays over the opening credits of....

 

S H I N G E K I   N O   B E A C H   A C C I D E N T S

 

Eren! Mikasa! Sasha! Hange! Pixis! Tits and abs everywhere, lightly moistened with seaspray. The ~~lifeguards~~ Beach Survey Corps are the front line of summer pleasure, ensuring, _even at the risk of their own lives_ , that beach accidents are prevented dramatically at the last minute. Plus interpersonal drama.

Today's episode: **Between The Devil You Know And The Deep Blue Sea**

The day starts like any other: shark attack. Before any actual limbs can get torn off - _hiss, sngk!_ \- an anchor plunges into the side of the shark and a whirling falcon slashes through the air and water to behead its prey in a plume of red froth. Screaming! The near-victims scramble and flail in the water. Beach Captain Levi bobs up from the carnage to glare nicely at the mother and infant he has just rescued.

"Oi."

He pushes a life preserver at them.

Beach Commander Erwin "Hambone" Smith pulls up alongside in a white rowboat. His immaculate teutonic limbs glisten tanly.

"Levi," He says, imbuing the name with deep appreciation.

"Hambone," Levi returns, equally fraught with subtle feeling. 

Kneeling, Erwin draws Levi into the boat with easy power. "Levi, I have a mission for you." He begins to row away. Levi listens attentively, crossing his white legs and slinging himself back against the prow of the boat to expose a splendid torso of compact, mouthwatering beauty.

"There's been a sighting of a group of abnormal giant squid in the waters nearby." Erwin's fuckoff massive shoulders bunch and release rhythmically as he pumps the oars. He's taking them out further to sea. 

Levi's cool eyes narrow. 

"...You're not going to use Eren for this?"

"It's too soon. We don't know how his powers work yet." He thinks of Eren, the squid-shifter. Recently the team had discovered that he was able to communicate with squid even when in human form. Some kind of squid Parseltongue. How to utilize this terrible new force was a matter on which Erwin was still meditating. He continues, "I need you to..."

Vast pale tentacles crack the surface of the sea and engulf the boat. Erwin and Levi bolt to their feet, drawing swords, their taut bellies clenching in sudden action. Levi slashes with ferocious speed at the squid limbs; Erwin, with a steely gaze, moves in unnatural silky grace as he identifies the most critical points of connection to slice...Yet the ground is taken literally from under their feet. The cold waters lap them and cover them and constricting seaflesh encloses their own...

With the beach's security guards captive, there is nothing to prevent the squid from taking Levi and Erwin home.

COMMERCIAL BREAK 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> there will be a second half after the commercial break, don't worry. well uh. actually it is not out of place to worry rn. anyway wait for the next chapter.
> 
> prompts used:
> 
>  _peanutbutterpoptarts_  
>  So they're at aquarium and Levi and Erwin "Moves-Like-Jagger" Smith are getting bored. They notice that a security guard went on lunch break and the giant squid is left unattended. They steal the squid and take it home.
> 
>  _agent_  
>  gratuitous lifeguard AU
> 
>  _zelshin who can't shut up ever apparently_  
>  mmm.


	13. Day 12: 12/9/2013

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> on the one hand i am sorry about this but on the other hand i am really not. believe me, i had to take a day to make it only as weird as this. it started out much weirder. so really, you should thank me.

Down they crept into the darkness and the soft freezing satin of the saline waters closed over them. The cold was almost enough to distract one from the sense of certain strangulation; Levi's heart began to pound with an uncommon emotion, despair, which he had never fully felt before in his life. The pressure of depth was alone enough to crush the air out of his lungs, but he was bound besides, and even then it was the sight of Erwin with his eyes closed that completed the phrase of helpless sensation. A torn glance up at the bright surface diminishing, overclosed by the swimming strands of his own black hair. He could have wept.

The beast toyed with him, with both of them. He could barely grasp its purpose through the blinding pain: shoving a tentacle at his face, white and muscular in the increasing sea-dim. Its weird slithery surface disgusted him. He attempted to turn away but it forced its way into his narrow mouth, pressing against his tongue coolly, a deep, horrible kiss. He gasped.

Wait, he gasped? And the thing forced another tentacle into Erwin's mouth too, he saw, and Erwin's eyes opened in shock. Levi took a deep, fishy breath, but when he attempted to cry out his mouth flooded with seawater again. He learned to close his lips around the intrusion and suck at it then. Erwin, too, writhed powerfully but this was apparently to reseat the squid's grip on his chest so he could breath more easily. 

What was happening? Was this another squid-shifter with strange powers. Where was it taking them. The cold had numbed his fingers and toes already, his legs and arms, his cheeks, his neck. Though he strained for consciousness eventually a greater darkness overtook him like the sea itself.

When Levi came to he was perfectly dry and warm. Erwin knelt close by, slowly stroking his hair. He looked well. That was good. Levi tried to sit up and found his shoulders had a very peculiar relationship with his waist and his legs which did not previously exist, and Erwin, concerned, tucked an arm against his own and helped him rise.

"Where are we," Levi mumbled, grasping Erwin's arm and shrugging into the crook of his shoulder. Gently Erwin rested his lips on the top of Levi's dark head as he held his second.

They were both dressed very strangely. White shirts, tan jackets. Both covered in leather straps - that explains the peculiar constrictions he'd felt when sitting up. Both wearing white pants, even though it was after Labor Day. And boots. Knee boots.

"We're in a terrarium." Replied Beach Commander Erwin "The Dragon" Smith.

The chamber was perhaps 7 meters on a side and two of them were walls painted with the most peculiarly lurid Bavarian town (was it Bavarian? Levi had honestly no idea.) The ceiling was 3m high and hung with globular, iridescent lanterns. The floor was inexplicably covered in sand, who knows how deep, and the center of the room was dominated by a queen-sized brass bed with a lacy white duvet and fluffy pillows atop its thick, comfortable mattress. It was on the sand, and not on this, that Levi had awoken. A random assortment of earthly objects studded the sand: a magazine from thirty years ago, a fork, a Super Famicon console, part of an industrial boiler, a box of Trix cereal, mouldings or windowsills (it was impossible to tell,) so on and so forth.

The two walls which were not painted-city were heavy glass or plastic, and provided a view of deep blue hallways of water through which idle squid passed, singly and in clouds, tugging along littler squid, snacking on violet blobs or foams, or squirting super-pressurized streams of gassy water at each other in play. And these squid paused, from time to time, to bonk against the windows. Levi's awakening was apparently the cause of some excitement; first a few, then many, clustered around them, prodding at the glass, glaring with unblinking black eyes.

Levi took all of this in without really conceptualizing it; he looked at Erwin, who looked back with a sort of sympathetic smile.

One or two of the squid, wearing dark metallic bands around their tentacles and penisy heads, held up luminous screens to the glass and gestured excitedly. The screens displayed something whitish and reddish and covered in little black markings. Erwin helped him to his feet and they both tiptoed across the sand.

In fact the screens displayed a web page, and Levi could even read the writing. He was startled, in the serene, neck-prickling way of deep dissociation, to find his own name upon the page several times. 

"It's a story about us," Erwin said at last. "Some sort of alternate universe, as near as I can tell. Where we're some kind of military."

"That's the weirdst fucking thing..."

At the top of the page was the disconcerting word _Audacity._

"I think they want us to act it out."

"...Maybe..." Levi sounded distracted; he was reading to himself, silently. Then they were both silent and fallen into the contemplative nonpresence of the fiction reader, now evincing surprise, now nearly tearing up, now blushing, now squirming, now reading faster. When he reached the bottom of the page, it seemed too soon, like the story hadn't completed yet. Levi attempted a variety of hand gestures, trying to indicate - scroll down, turn the page.

The squid shrugged. That was it. That was all of it. There were no further updates.

He could not keep the very real dismay out of his voice. "D....do you really mean to tell me.... you want me to act out a story that hasn't updated yet!"

"Seems that way," Said Erwin. He sounded remarkably unperturbed.

"Well what the fuck even happens next?!?"

Erwin looked at Levi, then, rather meaningfully, back at the overdressed bed. He cleared his throat.

"But Erwin!"

Erwin was already taking off his jacket. "I just hope they don't get mad when they find out you're the top."


	14. Day 13: 12/10/2013

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it's going to get worse before it gets better

Dark Tickle Island, Labrador, Canada, 10th December XXXX

The clear night bright with stars wrung light from the ice over the ocean; so like a gegenschein the snowbound ground gave up luminance. Upon this crisp lactic surface lay the impression of two sets of footsteps, one a gentleman's formal pumps, the other an unusually large print of a lady's heeled boot. These footprints led to the door of the last little cabin before the sea overtook the land at the end of the earth.

Inside Levi shivered against the doorway, slapping his nearly-bare thighs to restore a little fucking life to them. That certainly was some fucking dash across Canada with the Sailor Scouts. However as much as he'd relished beating up some idiots his own size for once, he was unutterably tired of this ridiculous outfit: a black skirt not long enough to catch a breeze, trimmed in two lines of silver; black pantyhose which enclosed legs as muscular as a ballet dancer's, and which ended in black and silver knee boots with a 3" heel and little silver moons upon the soles; a seifuku top in a delicate grey touched with the pink shimmer of a pidgeon's throat, tied and banded in black and silver, and a silver tiara with a fucking massive onyx in its grip which weighed altogether too fucking much. He was tired of the black bra he wore under his shirt, tired of his silver earrings, tired of his savagely red lipstick and eyes he feared to close in case his mascara smudged; all things told, Sailor Crab Nebula had come to hate every stitch of it and he was freezing besides.

A tall man in formal evening wear and a green & crimson luchador mask extended a tumbler of brandy to the beknighted scout, who accepted it gratefully. Commander Erwin "Tuxedo Jalapeno" Smith had the most interesting, mystified smile on beneath his mask.

A fire roared in the fireplace; there was not much else in the cabin besides a deep, comfortable bed buried under many quilts. A bookshelf, a few wooden bins where roots and apples were stored, frost lacing the windows and the view, that was all. They were only overnighting here, anyway, so the lack of substantial amenities didn't really matter.

"Sit down, Levi," Erwin suggested. "I'll help you with that..."

"...Shit?" Stated Levi flatly.

Though the first thing Erwin did was pull off his mask to reveal his sweet expression. His blond hair was tousled and his steady gaze belonged to Levi alone. Levi dropped himself upon the bed - the heels and skirt rendered the gesture girlishly cute - and Erwin knelt there at his knee. Gently, with Levi offering nasty little jerks of his numb legs, Erwin drew off his boots one after the other; immediately clasping each leg and articulated little white foot in the crook of his arm, against his body, to warm it. 

Levi frowned.

C O M M E R C I A L    B R E A K

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> prompt's: kia's sailor moon one, and i think it was nein's drag queen one.
> 
> commercial break is b/c i really have to get back to some other projects tonight :( i don't actually want to cut this one short. the bit coming up is one of my favorite kinks of all time. 
> 
> real location is delightfully real btw.


	15. Day 15: 12/12/2013

Unperturbed Erwin helped next with the hose. For this he swept long windchilled fingers up the length of Levi's legs, tucking under, inasmuch as it was possible to characterize as 'under ' the overhanging of anything so brief, his skirt, which rumpled around his knuckles. An elastic band at the waist. Levi's deepening downturned mouth; he watched in silence and lifted his ass up off the bed when it was time. A silky sensation of release to be free of them, his skin subtly expanding and respiring. His own familiar hard white thighs felt new to him. Erwin too looked at them for a while after he'd managed to decant Levi's limbs from the cling. Not too long nor too close. 

He offered Levi a hand up as he stood. 

"What." 

"For the rest of it." Answered Erwin, though he had not yet so much as loosened his bow tie. 

Levi got to his feet and his contempt had become apparent, though only someone who knew him well would know what it was for. And Erwin did, so, unworriedly, he slipped his hands under the hem of the thin grey shirt and lifted it away. This was also a novel sensation to Levi, stretching his arms up so lackadaisically with Erwin's pull. And the shirt covered his head and more or less automatically he clamped a hand to his wig to keep it on. There was an order to this, a mechanism of Erwin's, and he knew how to tick with it. Beneath the smooth black lapels of his suit Erwin moved as calmly and certainly as if he were naked, and he moved for Levi.

He ran a finger under the strap of Levi's bra and dropped into a crouch & in his hands he grasped Levi's lean hips and held him just like that, gazing, taking some secret measurement. And Levi with an open-lipped expression of disdain dropped a steady hand upon Erwin's slicked-back and pomaded hair and waited. The skirt was next. Erwin didn't fuck with the zipper, he only stuck his fingers under the waistband and dragged it down so it compressed Levi's ass and streaked his bare skin. A soft crackle from the fire, burning lower, throwing a dark amber glow upon the proceedings. Levi stepped out of the circle of the skirt.

Erwin was so tall that even on one knee he came past the pale, flat sternum of Levi's chest, though this was interrupted tonight by the band of the bra. It was a demoralizing sort of bra, a flat jersey thing whose only concession to prettiness was a tiny black satin bow perched between the cups. He looked up to find Levi looking back down at him in silver-eyed steady vigilance; his spine was as tight as if battle were imminent. It sent a chill down the back of Erwin's neck.

"...Levi..."

"So, finish it already."

He reached up to unhook the bra band and Levi shrugged the thing from his shoulders. The play of muscle beneath his skin was so beautiful, so vital, that Erwin lost focus and pressed his face against Levi's chest, exhaling long and evenly. He felt Levi's flexing and intricately-coordinated movement. Strong arms closed around him and he fell into a quickening liquid wonderment: an appreciation for Levi in all of Levi's dimensions, a powerful awareness of good fortune. He pressed his mouth blindly to whatever warm skin was before him.

" _Oi,_ " Came the gruff complaint from shining rouged lips. Erwin was pushed back onto his haunches. "I said finish it."

The tiara was set upon the nightstand. The earrings followed, unclipped with precise care for what a bitch they were to tear off otherwise. The wig, with its perky twin ponytails - it felt heavy in Erwin's hands, and he wondered what a pain it had been to wear all day. He took the jalapeno-green handkerchief from his breast pocket and very seriously dragged it across Levi's mouth. The lipstick smeared onto his cheek; he looked immensely pissed about it, glaring and gripping Erwin's wrist in warning. It came off with a little more rubbing and effort, both of which left Levi pink-cheeked in front of the fire, nude except for his black underwear.

Perfectly proportioned and beautiful in all his parts, the Levi who, however small, was so perfectly male. Wide-shouldered he was. Erwin's touch cruised gratefully over his bare, hard scapulae and slid down his back to his waist, and again to his powerful hips and their splendid definition from years of effort. Cautious of Levi's dignity he tucked a thumb into the waist of his underwear. A silent question.

Levi replied by unbuttoning his waistcoat. As Erwin's hand slipped under the tight fabric to cup Levi's compact, flawless ass, he heard a muffled question directed at his breastbone.

"What?"

"...Has 'Audacity' updated yet."

"No. Soon, though. Or - so I heard."

"Mm."


	16. Day 17: 12/14/2013




	17. Day 18: 12/15/2013

  
[Audacity updated.](http://archiveofourown.org/works/949340/chapters/2177480)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> like this is kind of an aside but i'm always surprised that [this song](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=__RdJtpmIZE) isn't on all the eruri mixtapes i mean honestly. the original version also acceptable.


	18. Day 1: 12/16/2013

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 12/19 EDIT: temporarily out of service


End file.
